Recently I was accused of liking drama. I’m not sure if that’s true, I hate drama and hate having bad energy out there. What I am use to and probably guilty of is loving chaos..
My whole life has been filled with chaos! In my youth my mind was never at ease filled with doubt, confusion and guilt. I never slept well I was always thinking and feeling frustrated. —–In my meth addiction chaos was every where!! On the grind in the game getting high, hustling being surrounded by people I didn’t trust. Never putting your guard down become a way of life.
In sobriety my first reaction is to always jump. Send stupid texts, say something that will cause a fight, or shock people. Now at-least I am able to say I’m sorry feel guilty and back down a little. I know that is growth. I am still not perfect. many of you struggle with the same thing. Serenity is so difficult.
Back in the day Jay and I would just phuck somebody up. Most of us that grew up in Pueblo are accustomed to kicking someones As$! then feeling better. I grew up where a social norm was fighting to the point that a guy watching our group play football one time came over to the field and asked ——why are you guys always ruining your fun with fights? — We thought that was fun..
It was wrong, but all of the chaos would settle after and there would be slight moments of peace in our minds and release of negative energy.
The same with addiction, after using, breaking the law, or getting a big deal done. I would feel relief and all of my anxieties would settle just for a moment.
I now still struggle with peace and paint myself into a chaotic environment. However I now have the ability to take a step back and atleast clean my side of the street. Like they say in AA —Let Go Let God—- That is really hard to do. —I pray for all of us in recovery that we can find peace. We are all conditioned to live in chaos. Deprogramming takes years for me it’s been 10 and I still want to fly that flag—- hang in there guys and gals. I am trying and I know you are also. It will take time!!!