Drama

Recently I was accused of liking drama.   I’m not sure if that’s true, I hate drama and hate having bad energy out there.  What I am use to and probably guilty of is loving chaos..

My whole life has been filled with chaos!  In my youth my mind was never at ease filled with doubt, confusion and guilt.  I never slept well I was always thinking and feeling frustrated.  —–In my meth addiction chaos was every where!!  On the grind in the game getting high, hustling being surrounded by people I didn’t trust.  Never putting your guard down become a way of life.

In sobriety my first reaction is to always jump.  Send stupid texts, say something that will cause a fight, or shock people.  Now at-least I am able to say I’m sorry feel guilty and back down a little.  I know that is growth.  I am still not perfect.  many of you struggle with the same thing.  Serenity is so difficult.

Back in the day Jay and I would just phuck somebody up.  Most of us that grew up in Pueblo are accustomed to kicking someones As$!  then feeling better.  I grew up where a social norm was fighting to the point that a guy watching our group play football one time came over to the field and asked ——why are you guys always ruining your fun with fights?  — We thought that was fun..

It was wrong, but all of the chaos would settle after and there would be slight moments of peace in our minds and release of negative energy.

The same with addiction, after using, breaking the law, or getting a big deal done.  I would feel relief and all of my anxieties would settle just for a moment.

I now still struggle with peace and paint myself into a chaotic environment.   However I now have the ability to take a step back and atleast clean my side of the street.  Like they say in AA —Let Go Let God—- That is really hard to do.  —I pray for all of us in recovery that we can find peace.  We are all conditioned to live in chaos.  Deprogramming takes years for me it’s been 10 and I still want to fly that flag—- hang in there guys and gals.  I am trying and I  know you are also.   It will take time!!!

Is Bruce Jenner a Hero?

First off let me state something.  Soldiers are real heroes, anyone who has served our country or died for our country is a true hero.

However they served and died for our freedom.  Like the freedom to be whoever you want to be.

There is no comparrision —soldiers and our miltary are the greatest heroes in the world,

It’s hard for people who have never struggled with their identity or sexual preference to see what a big deal this is.  This one time bad ass man is now a hero and a woman.

Look I am a Christian and I know this goes against religion, but I don’t remember Jesus saying anything on this subject.  In the scheme of things this is small.

The Jesus I believe in is accepting and loving.  That’s just me.

Growing up I struggled with my gender, not my sex I am a man.  But who I was –more female, more male, gay, straight?  I still have days where I am trying to figure this whole thing out.

Some days I am a criminal and angry , man who would beat your ass.

Other days I am the total opposite.

I have never had the issues that Bruce or Caitlyn is having, but I can imagine that he is helping many people who have this issue.  I think he is somewhat of a hero.

YOU CANNOT DENY THAT HE IS BRAVE AND A HOT WOMAN!!

On another note you have to have a sense of humor about it.  I saw a FB meme that had the barber from the movie Coming to America and it said “His momma named him Bruce I am going to call him Bruce.”  LOL!!!  Awesome

Stop comparing Bruce to soldiers!  When people say someone is a cancer survivor and we use the word hero—– no one posts a soldier and says this is a real hero.

So jump out of your box and see it for what it is!

 

Domestic Violence/Double Standard

First off let me just say that I have been a victim and perpetrator of domestic Violence (DV)  I was abusive to women my whole life, especially in my addiction.  Since then I have grown and  understand what a huge problem it is in the world.

When we think of DV we think of a man hitting a woman, not a woman hitting a man!  I have friends like Natasha and Brandy who have helped change and educate the world on this subject and we need soldiers like this!!

Why am I blogging about this?  Well—-Because there was a video that went viral a few weeks ago.  It made me crazy!!  Especially because it had thousands of views and even snagged the attention of the Denver Post.

The video was a video log from world wide famous band The All American Rejects.  The video shows their Pueblo show and then cuts to the band joking about Pueblo and it being a strange place.  Then the band cracks a joke about a guy hitting a girl.

Well it turns out the guy hitting the girl in the video was gay?   Allegedly the woman getting hit in the video called the man in the video a FAG.

The woman was wrong but the man was really wrong.

As far as I know no charges were filed and the issue wasn’t taken to the police.  In fact everyone laughs at the video and the way the little guy was thrown out of the bar.  However had that been me in the video?  Well I would still be in jail and not on this computer.  I don’t want the guy to get in trouble now!  It’s over.   We as a society let it go!   Shame on us!

So here it is!  —If hitting is wrong?  Let it  be wrong in every aspect!  Let’s not set double standards.   Hitting is hitting!!!

To see the video go the The AllAmerican Rejects FB Page

 

You are stronger than you think/ANXIETY

I remember my first half marathon having a panic attack and wanting to grab a runner and asking her to call 911.  Before I did that I calmed myself and slowed my breathing, I was scared but pushed forward.

Many of us struggle with anxiety, it sucks.  I always think the worst!  If my chest hurts I never ever think  —-Wow, I am sore from a good workout.  No—  I think—My heart I knew it.

If my stomach hurts?  It’s cancer I knew it.

Over the years I have developed phobias and anxieties about everything.  I was never like this in addiction.  I have come to the conclusion that in my addiction — I was careless!  I didn’t care about life.  If this drug kills me —who cares—  I might get killed in this deal —so what—  I use to get high in Vegas and dangle my legs off the hotel balconies.

Now?  I can’t even be in a tall building secured by windows.  What the Fu???  I know, now I have a lot to live for and a cherish my life.  I don’t want to die yet.  I have a lot to do!

However if your anxiety is preventing life —-YOU ARE NOT LIVING— We must push forward be careful and embrace the fear.

I once read a quote that changed my life  —SHIPS ARE SAFEST AT PORT BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT SHIPS ARE FOR—  Exactly!  So let’s get out in rough waters and live!

10 Years Sober and 42 Years old!!

10 years sober and 42 years old?   I never thought the day would come!  In the last 10 yearsI have experienced more than I ever thought was possible.  In the last 10 years I have had a struggled with mental health, I have struggled with my past and had moments of insermountable regrets.  On the other hand I have created A2A, finished 3 Ironman triathlons, finished college, got married, bought a house, and worked my way up to a supervisor at Crossroads and hopefully I have played a part in my clients and athletes health.

I guess what I am trying to say is I am living life!  I am not watching it though broken blinds in a dark gloomy room.  I am not hiding under the bed because cops might be at the door.

Sobriety isn’t easy it’s F’n hard, but I love the ups and the downs!  I am grateful for my life, my friends, and my family!  I will never take anything for granted ever again!  Everyday is a blessing!   Thank you and mad props to all of you who have helped me on my journey—–God, Family, Friends, Clients!!!   Thank you to Sheena the best wife ever!!

 

KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS AND YOUR HEART

The plane tickets are bought the race is paid for, even the hotel is booked.  Instead of being filled with joy I am stressed and unhappy.   This would have been or will be my 4th Ironman in 4 years.

I don’t know if I am burned out or just lost interest, but I am thinking of dropping out.  I have never quit anything!  What’s better DNF(did not finish)  or DNS(did not start)?    AAAAAA!

My brother warned me this would be to much!  My teammate Gwen said take a year off in-between.  Some how I got caught up in the excitment of a new race season and signed up.

One big contributing factor is Crossfit!  When I was a drug addict meth kicked all the other drugs out of my life!  No more alcohol, ecstasy, and no more cocaine.  I was obsessed with meth.  I often tell people meth was the Bruce Lee of drugs.  It kicked the A$$ of all other drugs out of my life.

Well—–Crossfit is the Bruce Lee of sports it has kicked the A$$ of other sports in my life.  I love it.  I will do triathlons and run for the rest of my life.  Thanks to Crossfit Endurance I can walk into any sprint or olympic triathlon any time and compete.  However anything over that forces me to stop what I’m doing and teach my body about distance all over again.

The only reason I am even considering staying in Ironman is because of money and friends.  I don’t want to let them down.  More than that  -I love watching them cross the finish line and I love kicking it after the races.  Sharing war stories over a meal is better than the race its-self.

I am learning to follow my heart.  I might drop out of Ironman and you know what?  I am ok with that!

It’s hard to follow our hearts sometimes and even more than that it’s hard for me to listen to my body.  It seems to be saying another 140.6 mile race?

Not sure what I am going to do yet?  I know this I am going to follow my heart.

It’s hard for addicts to listen to our conscience.   We normally obsess over desires.

Erase and Replace

I founded Addict2Athlete in 2009.  Why?  Mostly because when I went to other support group meetings and people were still unhealthy.  They had let go of drugs and alcohol and replaced them with coffee, cigarettes, and doughnuts.    So did I!!!

I once heard at a meeting find someone who has what you want and do what they did.  Well I wanted sobriety and met many people who had solid sobriety.  I did get what they had solid sobriety and a big belly.  I also added a huge smoking problem.  I’m not saying people who attend support groups besides A2A are out of shape.  Some people have gained sobriety in AA and NA and a commited to a healthy life style.

I just wanted it to be all one program.  Our logo is a 5 pointed star and the 5 points on the star stand for spirituality, self, service, society, and FITNESS.

We need all those points to live healthy!  I am no genius, but I am smart!  I stood on the shoulders of Dr. Bob and Bill W. and added to a very solid program.  In a way I am a DJ and I remixed their ideas.

Now I would love to tell you I came up with the idea of Erase and Replace!  I didn’t Blu Robinson did.  He is the Founder of AddictIIAthlete Utah.  He gave me permission to use it and I use the hell out of it.  Blu and I never argued about who came up with Addict to Athlete first we just shared our ideas and joined forces.  He did however come up with Erase and Replace and I love that!  Since I have heard it in a Foo Fighter song title, and many other places.  (I hate the foo fighters)Sorry Jason Archuleta

Anyway the comment I always get is “working out can become an addiction!”  It’s more statement.  NOOOOOOOOO it’s a compulsive behavior that looks a lot like addiction that can become unhealthy, but in no way is it as bad as addiction.

I’m not going to steal from my family or rob someone for a gym membership or race entry.  Well Ironman is getting almost that expensive!  I kid!

The top 3 answers people give me when I ask them what they will do when they go back to sobriety.

1.  Spend time with my kids

2. Go to meetings

3.  Go to church

You could have done that before.  Those things are valid and important!!!!   However that is not an equal erase and replace to drugs and alcohol.  If it was we would have stopped or never started.

I once had a client tell me that he loved crack cocaine because of the the power it gave him over people and that he had sex with lots of women.

I asked him what his erase and replace would be when leaving sober and he stated – hang out with my kids – I said good —  Then he said build model trains also.

In theory that was a great plan.  However if building model trains was the same as power and sex we would have a huge model train problem in the United States.

Right now the idea of doing meth going to a night club with a bunch of women sounds appealing——-But doing triathlons, and cross-fit competitions with my friends and my wife is more appealing.

It’s not apples for apples, but it’s apples and oranges!  Different, but equal!

I am just posting this as a reminder to find something that will fill that void and keep you wanting more.  Exercise isn’t everything, but it’s a great place to start.

 

 

Boundaries

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.  They are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning.

First off let me say I am not one to get on a soap box and talk about boundaries.  I say the most inappropriate things!  I am always verbally pushing past what is socially acceptable.  My jokes are harsh and often at someone else’s expense.  That is just my sense of humor, I have no ill will towards anyone.  Half of what I say is for shock value.  I have core  beliefs that I would never compromise!  I try to always have an understanding heart and hope the best for everyone.  I really want to make the world a better place.

When I was high on meth, alcohol, MDMA, special k, whatever.  Those are mind altering substances and I wasnt myself.  I was surrounded by people with no boundaries and I myself had no rules or morals to live by.

Now sober and in recovery I cannot surround myself with people who’s actions are selfish or harmful  to others.  Lying, deceit, manipulation aaaaaaaa I cannot allow in my life.  It becomes a rip in my parachute of recovery and I will free-fall to rockbottom.  I am obsessive compulsive.  My mind will not shut it down.

There has to be a code!  Rules to live by!  THOSE WHO STAND FOR NOTHING WILL FALL FOR ANYTHING!  Gangs have rules – wear a certain, color, don’t get high, always be down for work.   Criminals and felons have rules  – never snitch and never ever harm or sexually asault a child.  A prison full of criminals will kill a sexual offender or at least beat him/her up.  The military has rules – never get tattoos in visible areas, always salute each other whatever!!  Finally friends have rules!

Never hurt each other!!  If a friend hurts me they are no longer a friend, if a friend lies to me they are no longer a friend, and if a friend hides something, or steals from me they are no longer a friend!  If my friends hurt each other I am distraught!  My friend are my family, when you mess with my family I am done with you!!  THERE ARE NO SIDES!  I just can’t be a part of it.  I have blood relatives that I do not talk to.

My recovery is fragile and so are my feelings, I can fall easily.  Like a beautiful lake with a thin layer of ice, I must avoid a foot step of destruction.

We are all tempted by desires!  What makes us moral is our ability to restrain when those desires become a flame.  Again I am not perfect I give in all the time.  However I deeply pride myself on not hurting others.

I surround myself with beautiful people physically and spiritually.  I have friends like my friends, Nikki, Brenda, Marilyn, and Tara.  Who are all beautiful inside and out!  I could easily fall in love with any of them.  We all joke and talk smack to each other and even flirt at times.  I have guy friends that I am pulled to physically and spiritually Shelby, Marshall, and so many more.  We cannot cross certain lines.  We just can’t, it destroys trust and lives.  I have the most loving wife ever!  She is my best friend and I love her more than anything in the world. I would never disrespect her I would be upfront with her always.  If I have feeling for a friend that were beyond friendship I would lay it all out straight up!  Despite consequence!  There is honor in honesty that I can respect!  Hell I straight up told my friend Shelby I think he is attractive(don’t get mad Shelby)  I also said it to his wife.  Just like that it is out there and diffused!  I have told my female friends similiar things.   Guess what I tell my wife!  Defused again.  If my desire became unbearable I would alway be upfront.  When you lie there is shame!   I cannot live in shame or with shame!  I have done it and it is hell.  Please be transpearant my friends!  It’s easier to forgive flaw when it’s exposed by you!  I will always forgive and never wish anyone bad, in-fact I wish all people good! However people never forget and like that beautiful lake of ice, once trust  is cracked it’s never as strong.  My missery never gives me the right to someone else’s pain!

 

New Talent/Do-able

When the hell did being do-able(F-able) become the new talent?  It’s 5:15am and I have already seen Kim Kardashian’s booty 10 times.  I brought this issue up a couple days ago, I think I said something like “Kim K has no talent, it is ridiculous that she is all over every magazine”  then I went on to express disbelief in her fan base and TV show viewers.  a guy sitting with us replied “Oh come on dude you wouldn’t do her?”  ——AAAAA Yes of course if I was single I would sleep with her, but that’s not saying much.  I am a man and we are pretty much pigs.  If I wasn’t married I would sleep with half of Pueblo.  I am an animal!  There is a primal part of me that wants and desires everything from drugs to cake to Kim K’s booty.

What separates us from animals?  We can intelligently process those desires.  I don’t eat cake, I don’t cheat on my wife and I don’t watch the Kim K show.  I’m not saying I don’t fantasise or entertain bad thoughts.  I’m saying we need to pull it together as men!

The reason there are a million teenage girls paying a million photographers to take pictures of them is because a million dumb A$& men send them friend requests and give them a million likes.

We endorse the wrong things.  Our society has moved into an era of sadness. Let’s call this the “Do” era.  If someone would do you – you can make it!  Janis Joplin, Lauren Hill, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Potishead, Sara Mclachlan all express their sexuality through talent.  They are all so talented and strong their beauty and sexuality is unstoppable.

Come on men are we that desperate?  We have made twerking a dance?  Really lets look at this dance move it’s basically a woman bouncing their booty so hard that it causes women to crap their pants(google twerker craps pants).  Women would not do this if we wouldn’t encourage it.

Yes- I slip up watch and look at bad websites, Yes- I slip up and give in to desires.  I am not perfect!

However I am trying hard to not encourage that behavior!  We are sending the wrong message aren’t we?

Here it is guys, let’s be men, but let’s not be pigs!  Acknowledge beauty and sexuality, but do not encourage self exploitation!  Especially in young women!

Here it is women!  Wake up!  It might feel good to get that attention, but there is big difference in being the girl guys would date/marry and the girl guys would do.  Soon your beauty will be gone and then what?  You going to shake your Depends Diaper and hope your man stays with you?  Have some respect!  yes, we will look at you in a thong, yes we will give you likes.  However do we really like you?  What if you gain weight, get in a accident or even age.  Who will be there?  The people who know you and love you!  Not the people who love your booty!

 

Only God can judge me!

judge
jəj/
noun
  1. form an opinion or conclusion about.
    “scientists were judged according to competence”
    synonyms: form the opinion, concludedecide; More

Only God can judge me!  AAAA  Wrong!   So often I see this written on tattoos and FB posts.  Let’s break this down—–What I think people me to say is —-Only God’s opinion matters!  Unfortunately we live in a secular world where everyone judges us.  I would love to say I’m not a judgmental person, but I am.  I can’t help it.  Guys we measure each other up instantly!  When another guy walks in a room we instantly look and wonder —Could I beat him up?—Women I see  you do the same thing, except maybe it’s more like –what kind of outfit is that?

Only God can judge me!  —-AAA wrong everyone has the ability to judge you!  Judges judge you, teachers, police officers, and even children have the ability to judge!

Imagine this a guy walks up to your car and he wearing all blue and his pants are sagging (gangsta look)  are you worried?  Ya probably unfortuanetly we all form opinions instantly!  Some opinions are based on stereo types and some on personal experiences, but we all form opinions!

Just food for thought!  When you die and kneel before God –only his opinion will matter!  However here on earth everyone judges you!  Sorry!  Just be aware!

 

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